I feel like I’ve broken too many ties. Like I’m running out of options. Or rather just feeling nostalgic about the times when I was bombarded by a bunch of new people.

Is it my fault that I just don’t seem to talk to anyone anymore? Yeah, probably.

Do I want to talk to new people? Yeah, definitely. But I’m still reserved. What if I mess up a fourth time? Sean, Chris, Boulder, and then who’s next? Who will I lose this time?

Who will I offend? Who will I push away? Who will I never talk to because we’re so different?

That anon message from a while back. The one about questioning whether they should still be friends with me. I still think about it everyday. Who could it be? Is it one of the three? Is it someone I still know?…

That message is the realization of my greatest fear. The main driver of my paranoia. People hate me. Everyone hates me. This community is blacklisting me. I just exist to waste space or suck the life out of everyone. I ruin everything I touch. I’ll never be happy. And I’ll never be in touch with friends for the rest of my life.

I’m so tired of having this dictate my life. I’m tired of pretending that I’m happy with this status quo. I’m tired of being ignored and being so shy and being so reserved. I hate that stupid message. I want to change.

So I might as well start by just acknowledging everything that’s wrong with me. Confront the demons and all that jazz.

One day I’ll be as strong as I want to be. Comfortable in my own skin. Surrounded by people I love. The fears and depression all but a distant memory. My time on this site ending with fanfare, with a future to look forward to.

Maybe that’s why I’m still so engaged with FiM. Why I must insist keeping PC going. It keeps me going, too.

So while today I feel like shit over bad memories, blocked contacts, and general mopiness, hopefully one day it’ll all be past me.